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Dear Rents,
Dear Rents,
Remember that one time I beat up my sister and then cried and she got in trouble? I was so smart as a kid! I shouldn't be gloating about tricks like that to you.
And I should probably apologize to my sister, but that's another story.
Somehow, I have defied death and punishment from you guys.
Example A:
My sister, soon after I was born, decided she had had enough of me getting all the attention. One day, while my mom was cooking in the kitchen, she grabbed me by my wrists and I was lying there being cute and adorable and totally awesome* and started dragging me to the open window of our apartment. Luckily**, our neighbor Maria happened to be walking by and noticed my sister attempting to throw me out a window. Running in and saving the day, she alerted my mom about the near-tragedy-to-rival-Hamlet and, to my knowledge, my sister got in no trouble. But, I survived to achieve my next greatest feat.
Example B:
We were driving to Michigan to go to a cousin's graduation party. Partway through the trip we were hit by a speeding car on the highway not once, not twice, but multiple times. At this point I was FUCKING DEFENESTRATED***. I flew out the back side window, managing not to get cut on the glass, landed somewhere close by on the grass, and the worst thing that happened to me was that I lost a shoe. Seriously. I don't think I can get more BAMF than SURVIVING DEFENESTRATION.
Example C:
And then I grew up! Kinda! Somewhere between defying death multiple times, going to a photo shoot for the cover of a nationally circulated magazine, finding a cure for cancer****, and going to college, I think I grew up.
Okay so maybe I'm not THAT cool.
But you know what? No one can live down two defenestration tales.
NO ONE.
And I should probably apologize to my sister, but that's another story.
Somehow, I have defied death and punishment from you guys.
Example A:
My sister, soon after I was born, decided she had had enough of me getting all the attention. One day, while my mom was cooking in the kitchen, she grabbed me by my wrists and I was lying there being cute and adorable and totally awesome* and started dragging me to the open window of our apartment. Luckily**, our neighbor Maria happened to be walking by and noticed my sister attempting to throw me out a window. Running in and saving the day, she alerted my mom about the near-tragedy-to-rival-Hamlet and, to my knowledge, my sister got in no trouble. But, I survived to achieve my next greatest feat.
Example B:
We were driving to Michigan to go to a cousin's graduation party. Partway through the trip we were hit by a speeding car on the highway not once, not twice, but multiple times. At this point I was FUCKING DEFENESTRATED***. I flew out the back side window, managing not to get cut on the glass, landed somewhere close by on the grass, and the worst thing that happened to me was that I lost a shoe. Seriously. I don't think I can get more BAMF than SURVIVING DEFENESTRATION.
Example C:
And then I grew up! Kinda! Somewhere between defying death multiple times, going to a photo shoot for the cover of a nationally circulated magazine, finding a cure for cancer****, and going to college, I think I grew up.
Okay so maybe I'm not THAT cool.
But you know what? No one can live down two defenestration tales.
NO ONE.
So. Thanks for keeping me alive, somehow. I know in your heads, you're just dying to see my next great feat!
Love,
Your fantastically-awesome-and-so-much-better-than-her-sister daughter.
--
So there you have it! Two tales that I love to tell (can you find a common theme?), along with a few tidbits about how FREAKING AMAZING I am. Ahem.
Tomorrow's letter is to my sister. Teaser: "And every year you magically manage to amass more crap in a smaller square footage. It's terrifying. Like Godzilla."
Woohoo! I know you can't wait to see this letter!
So there you have it! Two tales that I love to tell (can you find a common theme?), along with a few tidbits about how FREAKING AMAZING I am. Ahem.
Tomorrow's letter is to my sister. Teaser: "And every year you magically manage to amass more crap in a smaller square footage. It's terrifying. Like Godzilla."
Woohoo! I know you can't wait to see this letter!
--R.
*This may be a slight exaggeration
**I'm sure my sister feels differently. In fact, she tells me so often.
***This makes a great conversation starter. Expletive included.
***This makes a great conversation starter. Expletive included.
****Not necessarily true
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