I've joined a writing initiative called the #Trust30, where I spend 30 days writing to a prompt to help guide my creativity and self-trust. Here is the prompt for today.
You just discovered you have fifteen minutes to live.
1. Set a timer for fifteen minutes.
2. Write the story that has to be written.
For starters, the playlist currently playing on my iTunes is called "Super Indie Music". Nothing says hipster-writing-in-a-coffee-shop like that. Only I'm not hipster and I'm not in a coffee shop. But I am writing. So, there is that.
I think there is a strong difference between being happy and being content. And somehow, I've come to realize, maybe it's better for me to be content than it is to be happy. Happy in my mind is a strong emotion. It can depend on certain things going well or wrong, meeting or being with certain people, or even the weather being a particular way.
Content is different. Content is about accepting everything as the way it is, and knowing that it's alright. It's more than just being happy, it's being understanding and happy for not just yourself, but everything that happens around you. No matter what the weather is like or who you are with, you can be content. With the way things are, with the way things will be.
I recently had a trip up to school (in Pittsburgh) this past weekend. And it made me realize a few things. One is that people and relationships can change so much in such a little time. This past semester I changed a lot, and I think it was for the good. I really learned what it meant to be independent. I learned how not to rely on friends and family for every little thing that needed to be done.
I sat on this hill for a few hours this weekend and first came to my realization of contentedness.
Most importantly, and maybe a bit regrettably, I also learned what it's like to end relationships. I don't mean romantically, but in general. How do you weed people out of your life that you realize are slowly poisoning it? How do you elevate someone to a pedestal so high, only to realize they were floating on a balloon that has rapidly deflated? It's painful and tough, but it's part of growing up I suppose: really learning what people are like, and who you want to be around forever.
Speaking of forever, I've learned that some relationships will always last. Whether it's been one day or one month since you've talked to those people, they will always be around, and they will always support you. I consider myself lucky to have friends like this. People that I can turn to when I need to, and people who will always find comfort with me when they need it.
The best lesson I've had is that relationships truly are two-way streets. You can give and give and give and lie to yourself and say "It's okay to give. I like to give. I give and expect nothing back." But to expect nothing back, really NOTHING, is to cheat yourself of a relationship. You cannot give and not receive. And as much as you like to deceive yourself, you never truly give things away for free. Nothing in life is free. Nothing can be given without something being received. And I'm not saying that if I give a gift I want a gift back. What I mean is that you must receive with gratitude and appreciation. And in whatever way you show your appreciation, it is always essential to show it.
I've fallen in love. And I finally realize that the person I've fallen in love with is me. I understand myself, more than ever. I finally understand my emotions, where they come from, and how to properly express them. I've learned how to maintain relationships I need to, and end the ones that can't exist, and how to form ones that I want to last forever. And while it has taken months and years, I can finally, proudly say one thing that has been on my mind.
I am content with myself.
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