The Pre-Snape days...

So, letter 7 of the 30-day, 30-letter challenge is written to an ex-crush.

Basically, you'll get to see what my life was like before I became Snape-obsessed.

--

Dear Sir Neal of Queenscove,

So, I kinda sorta maybe use to have a huuuuuuge literary crush on you. Like, so crazy my friends drew pictures of what they thought you should look like for me so that I could drool over them in science class*.

But anyway. You inspired me! I actually broke away from my dress-as-a-Harry-Potter-character Halloween tradition one year to dress as your best friend, Kel!

I suppose for the sake of backtracking, I should explain your history:

In the middle of the release of all the Harry Potter novels, I became attached to another female novelist (this one was very pro-feminine protagonists) called Tamora Pierce. She wrote mostly medieval fantasy fictions where women were the strong characters (female knights, powerful half-gods, etc.). My favorite series, The Protector of the Small, chronicled the story of a noble girl, Kel of Mindelan, who decided to be the first publicly known girl to train to be a knight after a law passed allowing for that.

Anyways, it follows her throughout the years and more importantly...FEATURES NEAL! Yayyy. He plays a good-guy in this novel, Kel's best friend, who is actually 4 years older than her because he went to healing school first and was then like "Aw fuck it! Knight time!"**.

So that's the back story.

Back to Neal.

I loved you. Seriously. You were awesome and magical and sarcastic yet witty! THE PERFECT COMBINATION!***And I was really, REALLY into you. Back when it was cool to be into fictional knights of a fictional kingdom and fictional time.

But, you know, then Harry Potter started getting big again, with more movies being released, the books getting longer, more intricate, and better.

And, I kind of gave up on you. Tamora Piece had basically finished with Tortall (the kingdom) and I was never going to hear from you again.

And so, being the wishy-washy 12 year-old that I was, I just, gave up. Discovered fanfiction. Fell in love with Cassandra Clare and Draco Malfoy--

Oh whoops. That's a whole 'nother story!

--Me

--

And that's an abridged version of my obsession with my pre-Snape crush. I mean, I could go into more detail about the drooling in science class, or the way I doodled his name everywhere, or how he inspired my yahoo email****, but, I won't.

Tomorrow's Letter: Your favorite internet friend. Teaser: "And the whole reason I joined, really, was to make sure that these people I barely knew hadn't been killed. Or arrested. You know which one is worse."

Yep. I'm going a bit broad with tomorrow's letter, but I feel like it'll work out better that way!

--R.

* Under-exaggeration. Seriously.
**Except maybe not quite as profane
***Guess who ELSE is awesome, magical, sarcastic, and witty. Go on. Guess.
****I still use this email to this day! Also inspired a huge fan fiction that exists only in my head. Sigh.

Dear You...

Today is day 6 of the 30-day, 30-letter challenge! Today's letter is actually a compilation of short letters to various strangers I have unfortunately encountered recently.

You'll also notice that this is particularly short compared to most letters.

A- I'm tired and want to go to sleep

B- I'm lazy*

Here is letter 6!

--

Dear Mom at Starbucks,

I know Starbucks doesn't just serve coffee, but seriously? Your 3 year-old doesn't need an iced tea from here. What happened to Juicy Juice?

--Me.

Dear girl whose zebra print bra I can clearly see,

Stop being a ho. Stabbing my eyes with a coffee stirrer.

--Me.

Dear guy at Starbucks** whose boxers I've unfortunately been staring at because you're right in front of me,

Ew.

--Me

Dear girl who just walked into the Concrete Box***,

Your purple transition lens glasses are silly.

--Me

Dear creepy old man who works at the grocery store,

You look like a child molester. Please go fix that.

--Me

--

So there you go! A collection of short letters to the strangers I encounter and why they make me channel Cicero and say "O Tempora! O Mores! O SHIT!"****

Tomorrow's letter is to my ex-love/crush. Teaser: "And I was really, REALLY into you. Back when it was cool to be into fictional knights of a fictional kingdom and fictional time."

Oh yes. I am referring to a pre-Snape era! You'll want to know about my former obsession(s), I promise!

--R.

*And, really, are you surprised?
**A lot of these letters take place at Starbucks, actually. Because I see a lot of horrifying things there, unfortunately.
***I work in a lab with one door and no windows. And shit cell service. I therefore dubbed it the "Concrete Box"
****Translation: "Oh the times! Oh the customs! OH SHIT!"

Evil cups of coffee

I am 1/6th of the way through the 30-day, 30-letter challenge!

Today's letter is made out to my dreams, and by way of association, my subconscious.

--

Dear Subconscious,

I get it. Dreams are the easy and imaginative way for us to sift through our deepest, darkest thoughts while also resting ourselves up to take on the day. But sometimes I feel like you go from "normal" to "hyped on on waaaaay to much caffeine and OH MY GOD A BUTTERFLY".

Just like that.

Some of my dreams are really normal: I go to school and forget my homework. I go to school and forget to wear clothes. I forget to go to school.*

And then, then there are the other ones.

My most prominent memory of a dream where I woke up and my first thought was "WTF SUBCONSCIOUS?!" goes as follows:

I was in my room in my apartment and my window overlooks the back door. I had three friends trying to get in, but one was actually an evil wizard. Through the magic of my subconscious, the two good friends get in the door and I am left staring at the evil one out my window. But wait! The evil one turns into a cup of coffee before my eyes. And, as if that wasn't weird enough, the steam from that cup of coffee rises up into my room through the crack in my window, turning back into the evil one.

Well, shit. Who saw that coming?

So, I precede to do the first logical** thing I can think of and simply run out of my room into the living room. While sitting on the couch, now unfazed about the evil one, who seems to have been thwarted by my ingenious change of rooms, a pigeon flies through the skylight in the room and starts stealing my school supplies. I freak out, not because a pigeon just flew in, but because said pigeon is stealing my homework. Of course, in my infinite laziness, I do nothing but freak out from my position on the couch. The pigeon, somehow sensing my distraught-ness, comes back into the room and begins to have a conversation with me.

I think this is completely normal***. At the end of the conversation, he drops of my things that he took (not knowing it was my homework). At this point we proceed to go on an underwater Spongebob-Sqaurepants-themed amusement park ride, that is actually my couch.

That's right. I never left my couch and this all happened.

Anyways, subconscious. I think you get the idea. You need to shape up, and become slightly more normal! PLEASE! My friends are starting to get worried that I'm taking drugs before I go to bed (or that I'm taking drugs and not going to bed but just think I am). Because it's really not okay to think that your friend can turn into an evil cup of coffee and enter your room through a window as steam. Luckily the talking pigeon helped.

Wishing I could control you and make up my own dreams,

Me.

--

Hopefully you found that retelling of one of my most vivid-yet-bizarre dreams as hilarious as I do. Tomorrow's letter is to a stranger. This one has actually been in the writing a little, but here is a snippet: "Dear guy at Starbucks whose boxers I've unfortunately been staring at because you're right in front of me, Ew."

Woohoo! You want to see this rant against humanity! Or the lack thereof, as the case may be.

--R.

*These normally occur right around the due date of an important assignment

**And by logical I mean stupid
***See above

Spontaneous Generation

Day 4 of the 30-day, 30-letter challenge is upon us! In this letter, I write to my sister...and all of her belongings.

--

Dear Sis,

We need to talk, you and I. It's about your stuff. Your mounds of stuff. You have so much stuff hiking it would be an accomplishment greater than hiking Mount Everest.

Seriously. Where does this come from? Every year I help you move in and out of your college living location, and every year you magically manage to amass more crap in a smaller square footage. It's terrifying. Like Godzilla.

And let's be honest. Godzilla is fucking terrifying. Think of how scared all those Japanese people were. I bet at least one person peed their pants. YOU HAVE SO MUCH STUFF SOMEONE MIGHT PEE THEIR PANTS IN TERROR*.

But seriously. Let's talk about down grading. How about packing only what you need. Essentials. Basics.

And that may be difficult for you, I know, with your three suitcases, three boxes, a duffel bag, some trash bags, and a backpack full of clothes**. But how about, maybe, shocker!, you pack by the season?

In the summer, take down the clothes that you need until Fall Break. Then, switch out some summery clothes for some fall-wear to last you until Thanksgiving. Then bring back all your summer dresses that, let's be honest, you probably only wore two of them that one time you went to a bar-be-que at a friend's house but you left early cause they made burgers and you don't eat beef.

You get the idea.

So, next time you want help moving out, don't look this way. And even if you do, I'll still be digging myself out of the pile of stuff that I helped take home last year.

Oh, by the way, do you want this blue shirt? Cause I like it, and I bet you won't miss it? Oh you will? Oh too bad. It's mine.

Your movin' on and out sister,

Me.

--

And there it is. A short and simple letter.

Tomorrow's letter is to my dreams. Teaser: "And it's really not okay to think that your friend can turn into an evil cup of coffee and enter your room through a window as steam. Luckily the talking pigeon helped."

You want to read that letter. Trust me.

--R.

*Slight exaggeration
**Notice how I only mentioned clothes? Don't even get me started on the REST of her stuff...

Remember that one time...

It's day 3 of the 30-day, 30-letter challenge! Today's letter is to...The Rents!

--

Dear Rents,

Remember that one time I beat up my sister and then cried and she got in trouble? I was so smart as a kid! I shouldn't be gloating about tricks like that to you.

And I should probably apologize to my sister, but that's another story.

Somehow, I have defied death and punishment from you guys.

Example A:

My sister, soon after I was born, decided she had had enough of me getting all the attention. One day, while my mom was cooking in the kitchen, she grabbed me by my wrists and I was lying there being cute and adorable and totally awesome* and started dragging me to the open window of our apartment. Luckily**, our neighbor Maria happened to be walking by and noticed my sister attempting to throw me out a window. Running in and saving the day, she alerted my mom about the near-tragedy-to-rival-Hamlet and, to my knowledge, my sister got in no trouble. But, I survived to achieve my next greatest feat.

Example B:

We were driving to Michigan to go to a cousin's graduation party. Partway through the trip we were hit by a speeding car on the highway not once, not twice, but multiple times. At this point I was FUCKING DEFENESTRATED***. I flew out the back side window, managing not to get cut on the glass, landed somewhere close by on the grass, and the worst thing that happened to me was that I lost a shoe. Seriously. I don't think I can get more BAMF than SURVIVING DEFENESTRATION.

Example C:

And then I grew up! Kinda! Somewhere between defying death multiple times, going to a photo shoot for the cover of a nationally circulated magazine, finding a cure for cancer****, and going to college, I think I grew up.

Okay so maybe I'm not THAT cool.

But you know what? No one can live down two defenestration tales.

NO ONE.

So. Thanks for keeping me alive, somehow. I know in your heads, you're just dying to see my next great feat!

Love,

Your fantastically-awesome-and-so-much-better-than-her-sister daughter.

--

So there you have it! Two tales that I love to tell (can you find a common theme?), along with a few tidbits about how FREAKING AMAZING I am. Ahem.

Tomorrow's letter is to my sister. Teaser: "And every year you magically manage to amass more crap in a smaller square footage. It's terrifying. Like Godzilla."

Woohoo! I know you can't wait to see this letter!

--R.

*This may be a slight exaggeration

**I'm sure my sister feels differently. In fact, she tells me so often.
***This makes a great conversation starter. Expletive included.

****Not necessarily true

Dear Professor Snape...

In my 30-day, 30-letter challenge. Day 2 is to write a letter to your crush.

--

Dear Professor Snape,

I don't know when our relationship began. Some time between me learning who Harry-bloody-Potter was and holy-shit-fanfiction, I fell in love with you.

You're misunderstood. And not in a "Oh you wanted water with ice? I forgot the ice!" kind of misunderstood. More like, "Ohhh you speak Parselmouth we just thought you were loony so we locked you up in St. Mungo's" kind of misunderstood.

I'm sorry for what you've dealt with. Between Dumbledore and Voldemort, it's hard for you to get back to me, I understand.

The thing is, Alan-the-man-with-the-sexy-voice-and-oh-dear-god-is-he-REALLY-64-Rickman defined you. He turned you from a sneering, heartless bastard to a sexy beast.

Well, part sexy beast. You're still part sneering, heartless, bastard-teacher, excuse me, "Professor".

But it's okay. Because I still love you. My computer wallpaper was you. I have drawings of you on my door at home. And at school? I might kiss your picture every night before I go to bed*.

Life with you has its ups and downs. Mostly ups. Downs are when you start deducting points from Gryffindor and making fun of Hermione's teeth.

Not cool, Snape, not cool.

But most of the time, you're just stressed! You've got to report to Voldemort, report to Dumbledore, and deal with dunderheads that attempt to blow up the dungeons in Potions.

So, you take care of you, Snape. And I'll be waiting for you when you're ready.

Probably in your bed.

Love,

Me.

--

So there's that! A nice little letter to Professor Snape where I tell him it's okay to be him. But also give a few hints at hurry-the-fuck-up-and-realize-you-love-me-too. I think it went over well.

Teaser for tomorrow: "Remember that time I beat up my sister and then cried and she got in trouble?"

Until then!

--R.

*Not necessarily true. Maybe.

30 fun-filled letters! Blogging with a purpose?!

So, I was stumbling around online, doing what I do best, and I came across this idea: 30 letters to different people (well okay, some repeats in my case). But I thought "hey I can make this super hilarious and not at all touchy feely like it should be!"

And so I am.

Here is the list:

Day 1 — Your Bestfriend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — A stranger
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one day
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror

Okay, you guys, editing that list from a copy-paste was seriously the most annoying thing. EVER.

And here's Letter #1!

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Dear Best Friends (Yes I know you, reader, are surprised I have many, let alone one, best friends!)

You guys are awesome.

Seriously.

[I'm going to pinpoint the ones I feel pinpointing, but in a non-pinpointing way so that you can't tell if you're slightly less awesome than everyone else and didn't get included personally. HAH. Suck on THAT.]

I haven't known you for a long period of time, but we somehow became best friends along the way (at least I'd like to think so) (also it's not surprising we're best friends after all the crazy shit we've gone through). Thanks for being someone I can always talk to about basically anything. And at almost any time of day, too!

I wish everyone had a best friend like you. You're probably the nicest person I know, and hilarious too! I'm glad I met you, even if it was a little painful at first (this is a literal painful).

The two of you along with me make the most amazing trifecta ever. I'm glad the two of you met each other and hit it off so well, because spending time with both of you is the only reason I really bother coming home any more. Well that and my bed. And my kitchen. And my...

I'm glad we stuck it out through our tough years of high school. I found a fellow nerd in you and together we probably had the most hilarious, insane, and degrading-yet-loving conversations two people could have. And oh yeah, YOU'RE UGLY. But I love you. It's okay. (Yeah, your mom may have paid me to say one of those phrases...)

How have we only known each other for a year?! How did we because the most awesomest people alive?! I don't know, but you were one of the strongest reasons I didn't leave school. I think I confided in you first, before anyone else knew how hurt I really had been. And, after that, we've basically been inseparable :P

I've only very recently been spending buckets of time with you. Buckets which I wish were the equivalent of BATH TUBS OR OLYMPIC SIZED POOLS. Because you're that freaking cool. Seriously, we have hilarious back and forths, feeding off each other. I'm bummed I only have a little time left with you. But WE WILL CONQUERRRRR, erm. I mean.

[Those were all the nice, lovey dovey ones. Here are the bitches.]

You (this is a collective you) single handedly ruined an entire year for me. Thank you, for pretending to care, and then throwing me to the side like the McDonald's cup that you throw out your going-way-over-the-speed-limit car while you cruise down a highway kicking puppies out the window, excuse me, fucking DEFENESTRATING puppies. You suck *that* much. Luckily for you, your lives will be filled with people like yourself. And I'm glad it's not me. Also, McDonald's? Really? Ew.

You frustrate me constantly. I don't understand why you act the way you do. What makes you think you're better than the rest of us? Enjoy the real world, because it's about to kick you in the ass worse than going-to-summer-boot-camp-instead-of-the-beach. Gear up!

Sometimes I think about you. Then I remember why we're not best friends any more. Because you wanted exclusivity. And I was all "BITCH PLEAAAAASE let me have other friends!" So I picked option B. And I'm having fun. SUCKAHHHH.

-------

Whew! That was a handful! I hope that wasn't too sappy for you, and more humor filled and "OMG WHICH ONE IS ME! I HOPE I AM AWESOME ENOUGH TO GET A PERSONAL NOTE."

Yeah, if you bothered to read this far, you totally deserve one :P

Tomorrow: A letter to my crush. Teaser title: "Dear Professor Snape..."

--R.