Finally Content

I've joined a writing initiative called the #Trust30, where I spend 30 days writing to a prompt to help guide my creativity and self-trust. Here is the prompt for today.

You just discovered you have fifteen minutes to live.

1. Set a timer for fifteen minutes.

2. Write the story that has to be written.

I'm sitting here listening to music on my computer. And for the first time in a really long time, I'm content.

For starters, the playlist currently playing on my iTunes is called "Super Indie Music". Nothing says hipster-writing-in-a-coffee-shop like that. Only I'm not hipster and I'm not in a coffee shop. But I am writing. So, there is that.

I think there is a strong difference between being happy and being content. And somehow, I've come to realize, maybe it's better for me to be content than it is to be happy. Happy in my mind is a strong emotion. It can depend on certain things going well or wrong, meeting or being with certain people, or even the weather being a particular way.

Content is different. Content is about accepting everything as the way it is, and knowing that it's alright. It's more than just being happy, it's being understanding and happy for not just yourself, but everything that happens around you. No matter what the weather is like or who you are with, you can be content. With the way things are, with the way things will be.

I recently had a trip up to school (in Pittsburgh) this past weekend. And it made me realize a few things. One is that people and relationships can change so much in such a little time. This past semester I changed a lot, and I think it was for the good. I really learned what it meant to be independent. I learned how not to rely on friends and family for every little thing that needed to be done.

I sat on this hill for a few hours this weekend and first came to my realization of contentedness.

Most importantly, and maybe a bit regrettably, I also learned what it's like to end relationships. I don't mean romantically, but in general. How do you weed people out of your life that you realize are slowly poisoning it? How do you elevate someone to a pedestal so high, only to realize they were floating on a balloon that has rapidly deflated? It's painful and tough, but it's part of growing up I suppose: really learning what people are like, and who you want to be around forever.

Speaking of forever, I've learned that some relationships will always last. Whether it's been one day or one month since you've talked to those people, they will always be around, and they will always support you. I consider myself lucky to have friends like this. People that I can turn to when I need to, and people who will always find comfort with me when they need it.

The best lesson I've had is that relationships truly are two-way streets. You can give and give and give and lie to yourself and say "It's okay to give. I like to give. I give and expect nothing back." But to expect nothing back, really NOTHING, is to cheat yourself of a relationship. You cannot give and not receive. And as much as you like to deceive yourself, you never truly give things away for free. Nothing in life is free. Nothing can be given without something being received. And I'm not saying that if I give a gift I want a gift back. What I mean is that you must receive with gratitude and appreciation. And in whatever way you show your appreciation, it is always essential to show it.

I've fallen in love. And I finally realize that the person I've fallen in love with is me. I understand myself, more than ever. I finally understand my emotions, where they come from, and how to properly express them. I've learned how to maintain relationships I need to, and end the ones that can't exist, and how to form ones that I want to last forever. And while it has taken months and years, I can finally, proudly say one thing that has been on my mind.

I am content with myself.

My memory is not my friend!

First off, let me start off by saying CONGRATULATIONS to my big sister who graduated with distinction from the University of Virginia yesterday with a Bachelor of Science Degree in Aerospace Engineering and two minors in Mechanical Engineering and Latin!

UVA was actually REALLY nice for her graduation, luckily. It was gorgeous weather all around.

The 2011 UVA School of Engineering graduates!

The grounds and buildings of UVA are immaculate. This is the iconic Rotunda.

However, because I was down in Charlottesville for her graduation and dinner, I didn't get home to NoVa (where my family lives) until late last night (around 10:30pm). Please note that the previous week went something like this: Monday-Friday I woke up at 6:30 am for work. Saturday and Sunday I woke up at 5:30 am to go to Charlottesville.

TODAY I woke up at 4:30 am to drive back to Baltimore! I am so lucky! I remembered to pack everything I would need for the next two weeks and off I went, slightly earlier than planned, at 5:20 in the morning. Unfortunately, 10 minutes and a few miles down the road I realized I left my CELL PHONE charging at my house. So I turned around and came back for it. Said goodbye to my mom a second time, and actually made it all the way to work. Two hours later.

Fast forward to the afternoon. I have a medical appointment on campus where I'm required to get my eyes examined. I triumphantly reach into my purse to put my glasses on...and realize I left my contacts case at home. Fan-freaking-tastic. The doctor requires that I take my contacts out. Unfortunately, all she has is SALINE solution. So that's what I had to dunk my contacts into: a refined ocean.

Let me point something out: Do you open your eyes underwater at the beach? Does it feel good? Would it feel good to put your contacts, which go back in your eyes, into the same thing?

THEN, halfway through the procedure (mind you, this was all paperwork, the examination hadn't happened yet), I found out I was late for a once-a-week-only training. So I ran across campus holding my contacts to make it to training. If that wasn't bad enough, the cup my contacts were in was a giant "URINE SPECIMEN" cup. Because that's all the doctor had. Really, I was just hoping I wouldn't see someone and have to explain why I was running around campus with a cup of pee. Oy.

I get to training and I'm too late to join. The trainer asks me to wait outside until the next round. I sit in a corner and put my contacts back in and promptly throw the cup away.

And then the pain hits. A burning agony. You think salt in an open wound in bad? Try salt in your EYES. My vision was constantly blurred from the firey pain of a thousand dissolved salt crystals gleefully digging into my poor irises. All I could do was sit there, "sobbing" silently as my eyes water, sniffling pathetically as my sympathetic nose began to run.

Oh and the secretary was out there with me, and became convinced that the trainer made me cry.

Eventually, I explained everything to the trainer about why I was crying, but the secretary never heard. So she had called the receptionist in my building to check in on me after my training and see what upset me. So she did, which was awfully nice, even if it was all a big misunderstanding.

The best part of all of this was that I ended up not needing the training at all because my old training from last year still counted. So in conclusion:

A1- I took my contacts out in saline, only to shove them back in my eyes, for no reason and,

B2- I skipped half my medical exam to run to training, only to have no training!

Oh. And I forgot my toothbrush.

--R.

Where HAS the time gone?!

First of all, I am somewhat ashamed at how long it has taken me to update on this blog. If there is one thing I (and all humans, I think,) love, it is talking about oneself. HOW did I not manage to talk about myself for months?! MONTHS?!*

Whatever, clearly that is going to be fixed this summer. What am I doing this summer, you ask?

Actually, that's a pretty good question, because I'm still not quite sure myself. I mean, I do have a job. I'm working at a great Engineering Company in Baltimore for the summer. Unfortunately, I can't really finish (or rather, start!) my training until next week, because the guy who runs the "classes" is out of town. So...I'm spending a week at my cubicle, with essentially nothing to do. I attempt to learn a thing or two through some articles I find, but I mostly just read the news or a book until someone asks me to do something. Bah.

I haven't even gotten a chance to visit the lab that I worked in (and will be working in again) yet, because technically I don't have the medical clearance (or the safety clearance) to go into the room yet. So none of my old coworkers even know I'm back! SUPER frustrating!

Almost as frustrating as the fact that I'm sitting on the floor typing this.** I'm living in a great one-bedroom apartment for the summer, but my furniture won't get here until tomorrow. So, until then, I've been living in the living room on a single sponge mattress. Observe:

That's my bed. Slash Couch. Slash...whatever. And it's in my living room. (Slash bedroom.)***

In reference to my post title, however, I am mostly amazed by the fact that it is already mid-May of 2011! Okay, first off, where the HECK did my "spring" semester of college go?! One second, I was starting the semester off, the next I was taking finals. I mean, WHAT? I feel like I blinked, and school was over.****

I can only imagine summer is gonna be the same way. Already I've been out of school for 3 (WHAT!) weeks and I can't believe it! In another week and a half, I'll be going back up to Pitt to spend Memorial Day Weekend there, for which I am VERY excited! It will be nice to see a lot of my friends again after weeks of being away.

The scariest part of all of this is how next year is my last year of college. As much as I joke and say I don't want to continue school (and go on to get a Masters right away), I'm still very nervous about the idea of no more school...possibly ever. I mean, how do people normally deal with this? I've gone to school since I was 2, and 20 years later, my entire LIFE later, I'm expected to just...not?

GAH! Clearly I still have a lot of growing up to do. Or maybe it's more "facing reality". Either way, I play to thoroughly enjoy every bit of the next year, because this time next year, I'll be done for good.

--R.

*MONTHS???!!!!???!!!! Okay, I got it out of my system.

**Practically.

***But tomorrow when I get home from work I will have grown up furniture! YAY!

****This paragraph actually made me kind of sad. I've come to realize how much I love school and the people there. And also, I've realized the strong possibility that I won't be living there after I graduate. It's quite sad.