Miss Peacock in the Conservatory with the Revolver

If you had one week left to live, would you still be doing what you’re doing now? In what areas of your life are you preparing to live? Take them off your To Do list and add them to a To Stop list. Resolve to only do what makes you come alive.

So, I have to admit, part of this prompt confuses me. I don't quite get what "preparing to live" means. I mean, technically, college prepares me to live for, you know, ever, and somehow I think that quitting college isn't QUITE what the prompt writer meant for me to do.

But anywho, I'll just answer this as best I can. I have a week left to live. What am I doing? Well, some of my activities will continue, for sure. One of them is that I just started playing guitar:

My new baby!

And alright, even though I wouldn't be able to pick up a LOT in one week, I think I'd still get a kick out of spending it learning an instrument that I've been wanted to play for the past 6 years or so.

Another thing I'd keep doing is photography, to the extreme. There are a lot of photos that I would love to touch up and get printed, real big. Or even just small and framed. I'm a bit narcissistic and want to decorate my house using photography I've done. Well, kind of. Basically, any photography that I have in the house (that isn't a portrait) I want to be a photo I have taken.

The third and last thing I'd want to do relates back to yesterdays post: Being with friends (and family). Basically, people I love. I am very much a social person and I need to be around my friends and family in order to be really happy.

I guess in my last week I'd do this: Have a week-long music party (at the beach) where I played my guitar and took lots of photos of all my friends.

Seeing that written in one sentence, I can now say one thing at least: This goal is achievable. And, surprisingly, I already know when it will happen: Right after I graduate. My "gang" (of lab mates) and I plan to go to beach, spend a week there, and I'm sure we will play lots of music and take photos.

In the meantime though, I'll still be practicing the guitar and taking photos to put into frames! And my next trip to see my friends is already in the works!

Forget travel, it's all about the company!

Not everyone wants to travel the world, but most people can identify at least one place in the world they’d like to visit before they die. Where is that place for you, and what will you do to make sure you get there?

You know, it's strange. I'm sitting here, thinking about all the places that I've been lucky to visit in the two decades of my life: India, Australia, New Zealand, Hawaii, London, Paris, Mexico...and I don't really know where I would yearn to return, or still long to go.

Up until recently I would have jumped at the chance to go to Italy (particularly Rome) and Greece, but, for some reason, I don't really mind that anymore.

Even within the US, I can't really say there are a lot of places that I have a strong desire to go to: Not California or New York or Florida.

And so, after thinking about all of this, I realized it's not really the location that matters to me, obviously a nice location (maybe warm, with a good breeze), but the company I'm with.

There's a saying that goes "Half the fun is getting there" (in regards to a trip). I think the other half is who you go with. I recently had the opportunity to go back to school last weekend (which I mentioned in my last post) and I had the most wonderful time doing very little. I spent a day at the park and wandering around some neighborhoods (including stopping by the Chancellor's Residence), I went to a Waffle Shop that doubles as an online, live show, and I saw a band play on the steps of the library. This summer I'll definitely be going back up, and I'm also spending a weekend in New York City to visit a friend who is interning up there.

Seeing my friends isn't easy though. It involves working crazy overtime hours during the earlier parts of the week (10-11 hour days) so that I can take off Friday and either drive the 4-5 hours (to Pittsburgh) or go home and bus the 4-5 hours (to NYC) to see my friends. Then I get back late Sunday night, and if my return location is home, it means sleeping little, waking up early (4:30am) and then driving the last 70 miles from home to work on Monday morning. It's not easy, and it can hardly be qualified as fun (because it's never fun to leave your friends, but maybe to get there), but if that's what it takes, that's what I do.

So, if you were to ask me where I wanted to go before I die, I'd answer quite honestly: I want to go where my friends are. It's not so much a place to visit as much as it is the memories I take away. A location can't give me the same sense of happiness that my friends can. And I think that's the most important thing of all.

Playing Grownup

If ‘the voyage of the best ship is a zigzag line of a hundred tacks,’ then it is more genuine to be present today than to recount yesterdays. How would you describe today using only one sentence? Tell today’s sentence to one other person. Repeat each day.

Today I was a grownup for the first time: I paid all my bills and ran errands during my half-hour lunch break.

Finally Content

I've joined a writing initiative called the #Trust30, where I spend 30 days writing to a prompt to help guide my creativity and self-trust. Here is the prompt for today.

You just discovered you have fifteen minutes to live.

1. Set a timer for fifteen minutes.

2. Write the story that has to be written.

I'm sitting here listening to music on my computer. And for the first time in a really long time, I'm content.

For starters, the playlist currently playing on my iTunes is called "Super Indie Music". Nothing says hipster-writing-in-a-coffee-shop like that. Only I'm not hipster and I'm not in a coffee shop. But I am writing. So, there is that.

I think there is a strong difference between being happy and being content. And somehow, I've come to realize, maybe it's better for me to be content than it is to be happy. Happy in my mind is a strong emotion. It can depend on certain things going well or wrong, meeting or being with certain people, or even the weather being a particular way.

Content is different. Content is about accepting everything as the way it is, and knowing that it's alright. It's more than just being happy, it's being understanding and happy for not just yourself, but everything that happens around you. No matter what the weather is like or who you are with, you can be content. With the way things are, with the way things will be.

I recently had a trip up to school (in Pittsburgh) this past weekend. And it made me realize a few things. One is that people and relationships can change so much in such a little time. This past semester I changed a lot, and I think it was for the good. I really learned what it meant to be independent. I learned how not to rely on friends and family for every little thing that needed to be done.

I sat on this hill for a few hours this weekend and first came to my realization of contentedness.

Most importantly, and maybe a bit regrettably, I also learned what it's like to end relationships. I don't mean romantically, but in general. How do you weed people out of your life that you realize are slowly poisoning it? How do you elevate someone to a pedestal so high, only to realize they were floating on a balloon that has rapidly deflated? It's painful and tough, but it's part of growing up I suppose: really learning what people are like, and who you want to be around forever.

Speaking of forever, I've learned that some relationships will always last. Whether it's been one day or one month since you've talked to those people, they will always be around, and they will always support you. I consider myself lucky to have friends like this. People that I can turn to when I need to, and people who will always find comfort with me when they need it.

The best lesson I've had is that relationships truly are two-way streets. You can give and give and give and lie to yourself and say "It's okay to give. I like to give. I give and expect nothing back." But to expect nothing back, really NOTHING, is to cheat yourself of a relationship. You cannot give and not receive. And as much as you like to deceive yourself, you never truly give things away for free. Nothing in life is free. Nothing can be given without something being received. And I'm not saying that if I give a gift I want a gift back. What I mean is that you must receive with gratitude and appreciation. And in whatever way you show your appreciation, it is always essential to show it.

I've fallen in love. And I finally realize that the person I've fallen in love with is me. I understand myself, more than ever. I finally understand my emotions, where they come from, and how to properly express them. I've learned how to maintain relationships I need to, and end the ones that can't exist, and how to form ones that I want to last forever. And while it has taken months and years, I can finally, proudly say one thing that has been on my mind.

I am content with myself.