Half-Full or Half-Empty?

Tomorrow at 12:30pm (or so) will mark the half-way point of my summer internship. I also passed the half-way point of my summer break (!) sometime in the past week or so.

I'm excited and nervous at the same time. There are a lot of great things about the summer (hello- no homework or exams!) but at the same time, these past two summers really started highlighting how much college has come to mean to me. In a way, I realized that I'm more of an academic that I took myself for (and yeah, it took 3 summers of non-academic work to realize that). Because of these things, and many others, I've decided, practically last-second, to apply to Graduate school this fall.

HOLY. SHIT.

There are a few things saving me here. One is that I signed up for the GRE right away, and will take it and be done with it right when school starts. The other is that, theoretically, I had guaranteed graduate school admission to the college I currently attend right now.

So, at least I know I'll get in somewhere, right???

Anyways, that's got me freaking out pretty good right now. I've been scouring other Graduate schools (I have a hefty list of...3 schools I'm applying to. Yep. Just 3.), doing practice questions, and trying to figure out what to write for my personal statement (why do YOU want to go to graduate school?). Fun.

In between all this, I still work 45-50 hours a week, commute 160 miles to/from home every weekend, and attempt to keep up with friends located in various places along the east coast (Southern Virginia, NYC, Pittsburgh, Raleigh/Durham, etc.). And I'm starting Insanity tomorrow. Shoot me.

Anyways, the title of the post is in reference to how I'm feeling about the summer so far. Am I happy it's half over? Ready for school to start? Or am I wishing it was longer?

Honestly it's a bit of both. On the one hand, sometimes I wish I was closer to friends and family. Being in Baltimore (80 miles from home, 250 miles from school) is a bit...depressing at times. At work, it's not too bad since my coworkers are great conversationalists, but in the evening when I'm eating dinner and relaxing on my own, sometimes I wish I had someone else with me.

And yet, I kind of like summer. I like not having school work or exams to be stressed about (ignoring you, GRE). I like that weekends mean relaxing, hanging out with family, and (on occasion) going up to school. I like that school is kind of empty, my friends are pretty relaxed, and that I can spend the whole day with people I like without worrying about getting back to my dorm or finishing an assignment. It's relaxed and wonderful.

And yet...I've somehow fallen in love with Pittsburgh (minus the parking). I can't imagine graduating next year and just leaving. I've become emotionally attached to the city, my school, the people there, even the ridiculous weather patterns.

I guess it all comes down to this: I'm going to spend the summer happily working and being with my family. And when I move back to school for the fall, it will be with a happy heart and a joyful outlook for the future.

Miss Peacock in the Conservatory with the Revolver

If you had one week left to live, would you still be doing what you’re doing now? In what areas of your life are you preparing to live? Take them off your To Do list and add them to a To Stop list. Resolve to only do what makes you come alive.

So, I have to admit, part of this prompt confuses me. I don't quite get what "preparing to live" means. I mean, technically, college prepares me to live for, you know, ever, and somehow I think that quitting college isn't QUITE what the prompt writer meant for me to do.

But anywho, I'll just answer this as best I can. I have a week left to live. What am I doing? Well, some of my activities will continue, for sure. One of them is that I just started playing guitar:

My new baby!

And alright, even though I wouldn't be able to pick up a LOT in one week, I think I'd still get a kick out of spending it learning an instrument that I've been wanted to play for the past 6 years or so.

Another thing I'd keep doing is photography, to the extreme. There are a lot of photos that I would love to touch up and get printed, real big. Or even just small and framed. I'm a bit narcissistic and want to decorate my house using photography I've done. Well, kind of. Basically, any photography that I have in the house (that isn't a portrait) I want to be a photo I have taken.

The third and last thing I'd want to do relates back to yesterdays post: Being with friends (and family). Basically, people I love. I am very much a social person and I need to be around my friends and family in order to be really happy.

I guess in my last week I'd do this: Have a week-long music party (at the beach) where I played my guitar and took lots of photos of all my friends.

Seeing that written in one sentence, I can now say one thing at least: This goal is achievable. And, surprisingly, I already know when it will happen: Right after I graduate. My "gang" (of lab mates) and I plan to go to beach, spend a week there, and I'm sure we will play lots of music and take photos.

In the meantime though, I'll still be practicing the guitar and taking photos to put into frames! And my next trip to see my friends is already in the works!

Forget travel, it's all about the company!

Not everyone wants to travel the world, but most people can identify at least one place in the world they’d like to visit before they die. Where is that place for you, and what will you do to make sure you get there?

You know, it's strange. I'm sitting here, thinking about all the places that I've been lucky to visit in the two decades of my life: India, Australia, New Zealand, Hawaii, London, Paris, Mexico...and I don't really know where I would yearn to return, or still long to go.

Up until recently I would have jumped at the chance to go to Italy (particularly Rome) and Greece, but, for some reason, I don't really mind that anymore.

Even within the US, I can't really say there are a lot of places that I have a strong desire to go to: Not California or New York or Florida.

And so, after thinking about all of this, I realized it's not really the location that matters to me, obviously a nice location (maybe warm, with a good breeze), but the company I'm with.

There's a saying that goes "Half the fun is getting there" (in regards to a trip). I think the other half is who you go with. I recently had the opportunity to go back to school last weekend (which I mentioned in my last post) and I had the most wonderful time doing very little. I spent a day at the park and wandering around some neighborhoods (including stopping by the Chancellor's Residence), I went to a Waffle Shop that doubles as an online, live show, and I saw a band play on the steps of the library. This summer I'll definitely be going back up, and I'm also spending a weekend in New York City to visit a friend who is interning up there.

Seeing my friends isn't easy though. It involves working crazy overtime hours during the earlier parts of the week (10-11 hour days) so that I can take off Friday and either drive the 4-5 hours (to Pittsburgh) or go home and bus the 4-5 hours (to NYC) to see my friends. Then I get back late Sunday night, and if my return location is home, it means sleeping little, waking up early (4:30am) and then driving the last 70 miles from home to work on Monday morning. It's not easy, and it can hardly be qualified as fun (because it's never fun to leave your friends, but maybe to get there), but if that's what it takes, that's what I do.

So, if you were to ask me where I wanted to go before I die, I'd answer quite honestly: I want to go where my friends are. It's not so much a place to visit as much as it is the memories I take away. A location can't give me the same sense of happiness that my friends can. And I think that's the most important thing of all.

Three Lefts

The world is powered by passionate people, powerful ideas, and fearless action. What’s one strong belief you possess that isn’t shared by your closest friends or family? What inspires this belief, and what have you done to actively live it?

There's a funny (or not so funny) joke that goes "Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do!"

I'm not sure what that has to do with this post. Other than, I always strive to be right, except when I lean left. The first in terms of correctness, the second in terms of politics.

My family is Republican. Luckily, they aren't the scary, gun-wielding, Palin-loving, crazy-as-shit Republicans, but, none-the-less, in the last election, I think all three of them voted for McCain. I could be wrong (and I hope I am).

I couldn't vote in the last election (I wasn't yet 18, shy by just about 6 weeks) but I did already have strong political tendencies, thanks to a ferociously awesome AP Gov teacher my senior year of HS.

One of the things that I am always strongly involved in now, in my own way, is gay rights. First of all, I don't even know why this is an issue to begin with. Since when are gay people not people? Since when do citizens of the United States not get all guaranteed rights simply due to sexual preference? Since when was discrimination the norm? (Okay, so maybe discrimination was the norm 50 years ago, but today? In the 21st century?).

Anyways, if it isn't clear, I am very, very, VERY pro-gay rights. I will debate to NO end about gay marriage, repealing DADT, and anything else that involves the LGBT Community and their rights. When I'm not reading up on articles and yelling at stupid people (generally on the internet), I also love getting active around campus. This means going to protests on campus, helping fund the protests (hey, I love bake sales as much as the next person!) and being a somewhat active member of the Rainbow Alliance group on campus.

I've lost "friends" over my beliefs. If you're going to discriminate and hate, I'm gonna discriminate and hate right back atcha. You wanna strip away other peoples rights, or deny them? Then I'm gonna deny you a friendship, or any respect.

My first friend (and one of my best friends) that I ever made in college is gay. I think part of what spurred me into action was realizing how much I love him, and how much it hurts to know that we aren't equals in the eyes of the law when it comes to certain things. It's for him, and for everyone else that I know and don't know, that I fought and will continue to fight for.

And if you disagree with me, the door's waiting for you.

Playing Grownup

If ‘the voyage of the best ship is a zigzag line of a hundred tacks,’ then it is more genuine to be present today than to recount yesterdays. How would you describe today using only one sentence? Tell today’s sentence to one other person. Repeat each day.

Today I was a grownup for the first time: I paid all my bills and ran errands during my half-hour lunch break.

Finally Content

I've joined a writing initiative called the #Trust30, where I spend 30 days writing to a prompt to help guide my creativity and self-trust. Here is the prompt for today.

You just discovered you have fifteen minutes to live.

1. Set a timer for fifteen minutes.

2. Write the story that has to be written.

I'm sitting here listening to music on my computer. And for the first time in a really long time, I'm content.

For starters, the playlist currently playing on my iTunes is called "Super Indie Music". Nothing says hipster-writing-in-a-coffee-shop like that. Only I'm not hipster and I'm not in a coffee shop. But I am writing. So, there is that.

I think there is a strong difference between being happy and being content. And somehow, I've come to realize, maybe it's better for me to be content than it is to be happy. Happy in my mind is a strong emotion. It can depend on certain things going well or wrong, meeting or being with certain people, or even the weather being a particular way.

Content is different. Content is about accepting everything as the way it is, and knowing that it's alright. It's more than just being happy, it's being understanding and happy for not just yourself, but everything that happens around you. No matter what the weather is like or who you are with, you can be content. With the way things are, with the way things will be.

I recently had a trip up to school (in Pittsburgh) this past weekend. And it made me realize a few things. One is that people and relationships can change so much in such a little time. This past semester I changed a lot, and I think it was for the good. I really learned what it meant to be independent. I learned how not to rely on friends and family for every little thing that needed to be done.

I sat on this hill for a few hours this weekend and first came to my realization of contentedness.

Most importantly, and maybe a bit regrettably, I also learned what it's like to end relationships. I don't mean romantically, but in general. How do you weed people out of your life that you realize are slowly poisoning it? How do you elevate someone to a pedestal so high, only to realize they were floating on a balloon that has rapidly deflated? It's painful and tough, but it's part of growing up I suppose: really learning what people are like, and who you want to be around forever.

Speaking of forever, I've learned that some relationships will always last. Whether it's been one day or one month since you've talked to those people, they will always be around, and they will always support you. I consider myself lucky to have friends like this. People that I can turn to when I need to, and people who will always find comfort with me when they need it.

The best lesson I've had is that relationships truly are two-way streets. You can give and give and give and lie to yourself and say "It's okay to give. I like to give. I give and expect nothing back." But to expect nothing back, really NOTHING, is to cheat yourself of a relationship. You cannot give and not receive. And as much as you like to deceive yourself, you never truly give things away for free. Nothing in life is free. Nothing can be given without something being received. And I'm not saying that if I give a gift I want a gift back. What I mean is that you must receive with gratitude and appreciation. And in whatever way you show your appreciation, it is always essential to show it.

I've fallen in love. And I finally realize that the person I've fallen in love with is me. I understand myself, more than ever. I finally understand my emotions, where they come from, and how to properly express them. I've learned how to maintain relationships I need to, and end the ones that can't exist, and how to form ones that I want to last forever. And while it has taken months and years, I can finally, proudly say one thing that has been on my mind.

I am content with myself.

My memory is not my friend!

First off, let me start off by saying CONGRATULATIONS to my big sister who graduated with distinction from the University of Virginia yesterday with a Bachelor of Science Degree in Aerospace Engineering and two minors in Mechanical Engineering and Latin!

UVA was actually REALLY nice for her graduation, luckily. It was gorgeous weather all around.

The 2011 UVA School of Engineering graduates!

The grounds and buildings of UVA are immaculate. This is the iconic Rotunda.

However, because I was down in Charlottesville for her graduation and dinner, I didn't get home to NoVa (where my family lives) until late last night (around 10:30pm). Please note that the previous week went something like this: Monday-Friday I woke up at 6:30 am for work. Saturday and Sunday I woke up at 5:30 am to go to Charlottesville.

TODAY I woke up at 4:30 am to drive back to Baltimore! I am so lucky! I remembered to pack everything I would need for the next two weeks and off I went, slightly earlier than planned, at 5:20 in the morning. Unfortunately, 10 minutes and a few miles down the road I realized I left my CELL PHONE charging at my house. So I turned around and came back for it. Said goodbye to my mom a second time, and actually made it all the way to work. Two hours later.

Fast forward to the afternoon. I have a medical appointment on campus where I'm required to get my eyes examined. I triumphantly reach into my purse to put my glasses on...and realize I left my contacts case at home. Fan-freaking-tastic. The doctor requires that I take my contacts out. Unfortunately, all she has is SALINE solution. So that's what I had to dunk my contacts into: a refined ocean.

Let me point something out: Do you open your eyes underwater at the beach? Does it feel good? Would it feel good to put your contacts, which go back in your eyes, into the same thing?

THEN, halfway through the procedure (mind you, this was all paperwork, the examination hadn't happened yet), I found out I was late for a once-a-week-only training. So I ran across campus holding my contacts to make it to training. If that wasn't bad enough, the cup my contacts were in was a giant "URINE SPECIMEN" cup. Because that's all the doctor had. Really, I was just hoping I wouldn't see someone and have to explain why I was running around campus with a cup of pee. Oy.

I get to training and I'm too late to join. The trainer asks me to wait outside until the next round. I sit in a corner and put my contacts back in and promptly throw the cup away.

And then the pain hits. A burning agony. You think salt in an open wound in bad? Try salt in your EYES. My vision was constantly blurred from the firey pain of a thousand dissolved salt crystals gleefully digging into my poor irises. All I could do was sit there, "sobbing" silently as my eyes water, sniffling pathetically as my sympathetic nose began to run.

Oh and the secretary was out there with me, and became convinced that the trainer made me cry.

Eventually, I explained everything to the trainer about why I was crying, but the secretary never heard. So she had called the receptionist in my building to check in on me after my training and see what upset me. So she did, which was awfully nice, even if it was all a big misunderstanding.

The best part of all of this was that I ended up not needing the training at all because my old training from last year still counted. So in conclusion:

A1- I took my contacts out in saline, only to shove them back in my eyes, for no reason and,

B2- I skipped half my medical exam to run to training, only to have no training!

Oh. And I forgot my toothbrush.

--R.